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curious thoughts and remembrances

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Danny 

It's been a tough week so far. One of my dearest and oldest friends, Sammy, found out Sunday morning that his brother Danny died while rock climbing in Joshua Tree park in California. He was 21. I met him when he was 9 or 10. Death is not something I've had to deal with to much of an extent thus far, and this passing has certainly hit closer to home than any other, with perhaps the exception of an ex-girlfriend's father, years ago.

I'm left feeling a strange mixture. I've been sad. At first horribly so, and now it just sits as a weight in the back of my mind throughout the day. It sits for awhile, then floods my thoughts when I talk with Sammy, or with other friends, or when I'm just thinking about whatever that leads me to memories of Sunday morning, or of home and the past. I'm also rejuvenated. I feel lucky to be alive and there's an immediacy to all my dreams and desires that has come with the clarity that death is always a very real possibility. I can sense my friendships and emotions strengthening, and so I hope to hold on to the kinds of thoughts I've been having this week.

Within the next few days I will be attending Danny's funeral, in San Antonio. I'm really scared. People I haven't seen much of in the past five years will suddenly all be together and all feeling pretty much the same. It's necessary and it's hard and it's tiring and it's horrible. I don't know what else to say.

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